Random Thoughts

The Way He Loves Me / Letting Go / Trusting (August 2011)

“You loved me so much that you let me fall knowing that I would lose it all and hear Your call. You loved me so much that you chased me, and when I ran away, you captured me by letting me run to the end of myself. This is the way You love me.” (The Way You Love Me, Jason David Ingram / Anthony Evans)

Have you ever run to the end of yourself only to find that it’s not enough, that all of your considerable ability and knowledge simply are insufficient, that there’s no “there” there? It’s a scary thing to run to the end of yourself, to run out of options, to realize that your best, your all, isn’t good enough. Sometimes, God allows us to run to the end of ourselves in order to demonstrate to us the sufficiency of His grace. Sometimes our ability must be exhausted in order for us (and others) to see HIS ability in, through, and in spite of us. (See 2 Corinthians 12:9.)

We’ve all had those experiences, haven’t we? Those moments (or seasons) when we’ve thrown up our hands and/or fallen to our knees (literally and/or figuratively) and cried out, “What now? What am I going to do now?” Some of you allow yourselves to arrive there more quickly than I. In my pride, stubbornness, and sometimes inflated sense of self, rather than go to God in the beginning and heed His instruction, I want to fix it on my own. “I’ve got this one, God.” Likewise, I don’t concede defeat easily. Let go? What?!? The mere fact that “letting go” bears negative overtones/connotations, symbolic of throwing in the towel, waiving the white flag of defeat, is telling. I don’t like-okay, I hate-being vulnerable or caught off guard. “Who among us doesn’t?”

Because I don’t like being vulnerable, I’ve trained myself to believe that no matter what happens, I’ll deal with it. Because I don’t like to be caught off guard, I’d prefer to see your proverbial hand first so I know how to play mine. I am a strong woman, yes, but I recognize that my strength does not begin in me. I am neither the source nor the resource. No. It is God who made, and keeps, me strong. It is HIS strength in action, not mine. So, the fear of letting go and handing over the reins to God, while real, is somewhat absurd. (I say “handing over” as if I ever had control. It’s akin to letting a child THINK he’s driving the car, when really the little toy steering wheel is attached to nothing and Dad is controlling the car.)

So, it’s a matter of trust, isn’t it? It is in those “Lord, what am I going to do now?” moments when God’s ability and grace shine through. You want to talk about options? In Him, I have never-ending options. As much as I WANT to, I don’t NEED to know them all. Have you ever had too many options? It’s tough to make a decision when you’re faced with too many options, isn’t it? All I really need to know is that He loves me enough to pursue (chase after) me when I’m running scared, that even when I fall, He lifts me up, that even if I lose it all, He restores it in multiples of grace, and that He captures me every time I go missing.

This is the way He loves me.